"Mhm, so you're a Stay At Home Mom... What do you do all day?"

I had a difficult pregnancy, birth, and had toxemia and had to be induced early. My daughter was a preemie and between both her and myself  we both were in the hospital for over a month and a half . She needed a lot of extra care. I never thought I would be a new Mom at almost 33. All that being said I was on leave from my "job" for 16 months. I liked my job but I knew as soon as she was born that I had a new calling.

I worked part time at a new job that was close to home so I could spend more time with her. My husband worked nights so I was alone a lot. I did almost everything by myself. I did daycare for a friend so my daughter would have a playmate. I decided this still wasn't enough money so I started a third job. This went on for about 6 months. I saw myself slowly starting to lose it. I decided I would just work part time and watch my child full time.
There were some people who thought,"hey she's not doing anything, let's just dump our kids on to her. Or lets have her run these errands for us. How could she possibly mind?" Umm...I minded.

We bought everything from garage sales. We took clothing or furniture if people were giving it away. We sacrificed a lot. My daughter ended up being a sickly child so most if not all our money went towards that. Absolutely none of this was "FUN".
I home schooled her preschool because we couldn't afford to send her to a "real" preschool. We never ever have gotten any kind of assistance and because of our income we always fell through the cracks. We made too much to get assistance but to little to actually be able to afford anything. As it turned out she was exceptionally bright and could read at age 3. Could write legible sentences by age 4.

I knew it would not be in anyone's best interest to have more children. I was shamed and criticized for that. How could I not give her a little brother or sister to play with? I knew that if I did that it would be a risk for both me and my unborn child, so I chose to only have one.

I was criticized by so many friends, neighbors and relatives and even complete strangers who wondered "what do you do all day?" I started to have self doubt, was I not doing enough? Would I ever be able to find my way  back into the workforce with so much time in between? If anything happened to my husband would I be able to afford to live? What about when I got older, would I have anything to live off of then?

Time marched on and I loved being a stay at home Mom. I felt God had put me on this earth for a reason. Then one day when my daughter was about in 4th grade the other kids in her class were going to be let out of school for bring your daughter to work day. They asked her what I did. Everyone else  Moms had careers. She didn't know what to tell them. I stayed home. They looked at her like what do you mean she stays home? For the first time in her life my daughter was embarrassed of her Mother. She wanted to go with her Father to his job but his employer said no it was to risky and dangerous for children to be there. I was deeply hurt at her embarrassment. I told her she could stay home with me and I would show her what I did all day. She chose to go to school instead.

The next year she made a friend and started to hang around with her a lot. Her parents had money. A beautiful house, a pool, nice cars etc. All the things we didn't have. She wanted to spend all her time over there. For a little while I allowed it, but after a while it seemed like they were using her to keep their daughter occupied. I put a end to it and took my daughter back.

A couple of years went by and the unthinkable happened, our daughter became ill and was in and out of hospitals 5 times in one year. Finally she had to be put into a home for other children like her in another city. She would be gone for anywhere from 6 months to 1-1/2 years. I kind of went into a type of shock. I got really depressed and about a month later had a mini-stroke. It was like when a child leaves for college and you have empty nest syndrome but at an unnatural and sudden time. Even through all this I kept going to see her. We visited her at least twice a week for the first few months, then at about 6 months in she could come home for weekends. She was finally released after 9 months. I was ecstatic and very nervous to have her back. There were countless visits to doctors and therapists. This is still an ongoing thing. She is much better than she was, we are blessed with that. But I can't lie, I still feel like I'm holding my breath.

She is getting older now and soon she will be going off to college or moving out to start making her own life. I kind of feel lost. I am going to have to reinvent myself yet again to satisfy others expectations of me. I really don't have much of a plan. I'm not getting any younger and my health isn't what it used to be. I'm creeping up on 50 now. I am really afraid of feeling like a failure because if I'm not earning money in this society then what is my value? I will just ride out this new wave of my life and see where it lands me. Even though I feel lost at times, there is one thing I know for sure, I have no regrets.