I had a difficult pregnancy, birth, and had toxemia and had to be
induced early. My daughter was a preemie and between both her and myself
we both were in the hospital for over a month and a half . She needed a
lot of extra care. I never thought I would be a new Mom at almost 33.
All that being said I was on leave from my "job" for 16 months. I liked
my job but I knew as soon as she was born that I had a new calling.
I worked part time at a new job that was close to home so I could spend
more time with her. My husband worked nights so I was alone a lot. I
did almost everything by myself. I did daycare for a friend so my
daughter would have a playmate. I decided this still wasn't enough money
so I started a third job. This went on for about 6 months. I saw myself
slowly starting to lose it. I decided I would just work part time and
watch my child full time.
There were some people who
thought,"hey she's not doing anything, let's just dump our kids on to
her. Or lets have her run these errands for us. How could she possibly
mind?" Umm...I minded.
We bought everything from
garage sales. We took clothing or furniture if people were giving it
away. We sacrificed a lot. My daughter ended up being a sickly child so
most if not all our money went towards that. Absolutely none of this was
"FUN".
I home schooled her preschool because we couldn't
afford to send her to a "real" preschool. We never ever have gotten any
kind of assistance and because of our income we always fell through the
cracks. We made too much to get assistance but to little to actually be
able to afford anything. As it turned out she was exceptionally bright
and could read at age 3. Could write legible sentences by age 4.
I knew it would not be in anyone's best interest to have more children. I
was shamed and criticized for that. How could I not give her a little
brother or sister to play with? I knew that if I did that it would be a
risk for both me and my unborn child, so I chose to only have one.
I was criticized by so many friends, neighbors and relatives and even
complete strangers who wondered "what do you do all day?" I started to
have self doubt, was I not doing enough? Would I ever be able to find my
way back into the workforce with so much time in between? If anything
happened to my husband would I be able to afford to live? What about
when I got older, would I have anything to live off of then?
Time
marched on and I loved being a stay at home Mom. I felt God had put me
on this earth for a reason. Then one day when my daughter was about in
4th grade the other kids in her class were going to be let out of school
for bring your daughter to work day. They asked her what I did.
Everyone else Moms had careers. She didn't know what to tell them. I
stayed home. They looked at her like what do you mean she stays home?
For the first time in her life my daughter was embarrassed of her
Mother. She wanted to go with her Father to his job but his employer
said no it was to risky and dangerous for children to be there. I was
deeply hurt at her embarrassment. I told her she could stay home with me
and I would show her what I did all day. She chose to go to school
instead.
The next year she made a friend and
started to hang around with her a lot. Her parents had money. A
beautiful house, a pool, nice cars etc. All the things we didn't have.
She wanted to spend all her time over there. For a little while I
allowed it, but after a while it seemed like they were using her to keep
their daughter occupied. I put a end to it and took my daughter back.
A
couple of years went by and the unthinkable happened, our daughter
became ill and was in and out of hospitals 5 times in one year. Finally
she had to be put into a home for other children like her in another
city. She would be gone for anywhere from 6 months to 1-1/2 years. I
kind of went into a type of shock. I got really depressed and about a
month later had a mini-stroke. It was like when a child leaves for
college and you have empty nest syndrome but at an unnatural and sudden
time. Even through all this I kept going to see her. We visited her at
least twice a week for the first few months, then at about 6 months in
she could come home for weekends. She was finally released after 9
months. I was ecstatic and very nervous to have her back. There were
countless visits to doctors and therapists. This is still an ongoing
thing. She is much better than she was, we are blessed with that. But I
can't lie, I still feel like I'm holding my breath.
She
is getting older now and soon she will be going off to college or
moving out to start making her own life. I kind of feel lost. I am going
to have to reinvent myself yet again to satisfy others expectations of
me. I really don't have much of a plan. I'm not getting any younger and
my health isn't what it used to be. I'm creeping up on 50 now. I am
really afraid of feeling like a failure because if I'm not earning money
in this society then what is my value? I will just ride out this new
wave of my life and see where it lands me. Even though I feel lost at
times, there is one thing I know for sure, I have no regrets.
